Born with a name that symbolized a wish for a son, the author reflects on her lifelong battle with gender norms. Through poignant personal anecdotes and societal observations, she explores how rigid gender roles have shaped her experiences and how evolving perspectives on gender are paving the way for a more inclusive future.
By Tamana Ajaz
At birth, the name I was given translates to “Wish,” a reflection of my mother’s hope that a boy had been born instead of a girl. From that very day, I became acquainted with the concept of gender—not through natural evolution but through the circumstances that life imposed upon me. I recall an instance when I believed it would be feasible to take up a job during hours when sleep seemed unnecessary, only to be met with a harsh dose of reality. This was a sobering reminder that despite my hopes of forging an unimpeded path, life had its own plans.
Growing up, I often grappled with the anticipation of leaving home, transitioning from a child to a grown-up in a world that seemed increasingly gendered. The process of leaving home was marked by a note I left for my parents, which simply read, “to trust with trust.” In retrospect, I wonder what kind of trust I was truly seeking. Was it the trust that I would remain the same child they had sent away, or was it a deeper assurance that I would not compromise my values and character despite the challenges ahead?
I still remember the poignant realization that growing up meant being excluded from certain activities, such as joining a group of boys playing football. In the world I inhabited, gender roles were rigidly defined, and my attempts to bridge these gaps were met with resistance. I remember struggling with my weight and carrying football shoes around campus, hoping for a more inclusive society that would accept a girl wanting to play and fit in. However, societal norms did not easily accommodate these aspirations.
It was during this period that I first became acutely aware of the concept of gender and the realization that the world was not as individualistic as I had hoped but was structured around gender-specific roles and expectations. As days turned into months and seasons changed, I gradually came to understand the reasons behind this gendered world and sought to navigate it in a more individualistic manner. The stories of the past provided me with inspiration, guiding me to grow and shine as a woman in contemporary times.
Time, in its essence, is a collection of memories and experiences that shape events. My life was influenced by the societal pressure to be “man enough,” despite the inherent biological differences between men and women. These differences, from brain structure to genetic makeup, have long influenced the distribution of power and roles in society. For instance, females have more white matter in the brain, which supports higher-order reasoning, while males often excel in visual and coordination tasks. Such distinctions, shaped by evolutionary processes, have historically dictated societal roles.
My place of origin is divided into three distinct regions: Kashmir, Ladakh, and Jammu. As a child, I observed that women were notably absent from prominent public roles in my hometown. However, just a day’s drive away, 619 kilometers from my home, lay a place where women were central figures in society, leading a matriarchal existence in modern times. This contrast fascinated me. Every shop I visited in that region was managed by women who exhibited resilience, confidence, and a sense of comfort.
As I grew older, these experiences began to shape my understanding of societal roles and the evolving landscape of gender equality. I noticed significant changes in everyday life, such as the increasing number of women cycling to work—a once rare sight that had become commonplace. These shifts in societal attitudes allowed for greater freedom and opportunities for women.
A vivid memory that stands out is a moment in Delhi when I encountered a female pilot for the first time. This encounter was revelatory, demonstrating that even the sky was no longer a limit for women. It underscored a profound truth: our limits are defined by our vision, and by expanding that vision, we can achieve dreams that were once merely aspirations.
The belief that our limitations are dictated by our vision suggests that by broadening our perspectives, we can realize dreams we once only imagined. Dreams, after all, are premeditated aspirations before they become reality. The diverse cultures of the world, while self-explanatory, highlight the need for societies to function on principles of equality, respecting both genders.
In contemporary times, we witness a shift toward greater equality, though this change brings both positives and challenges. As Plato aptly said, “Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.” The beauty of gender diversity in various roles enriches society. Men are no longer confined to traditional roles like fighting wars but can engage in different life battles. Women, on the other hand, no longer need to fight for their rights as time and culture increasingly affirm them. Although gender distinctions have existed since the dawn of time, these differences do not alter the fundamental stories of both genders overnight.
The journey towards gender equality has been a protracted one, marked by the gradual dismantling of entrenched sexism. Each day has chipped away at the barriers of gender discrimination, laying the groundwork for a world where identity is increasingly recognized beyond mere male and female distinctions, and where individual potential is the focus.
In ancient times, gender roles were distinctly delineated: men hunted to provide for their families while women managed the household and prepared the meals. These roles, deeply rooted in biological differences, were established unconsciously. Over the millennia, these roles have evolved, and in certain regions, they have expanded to encompass more varied responsibilities and opportunities.
Today, we witness a remarkable transformation from the days when women were often denied education to the present, where they are making significant strides in all fields. The well-known adage, “To educate a woman is to educate a nation,” underscores the profound impact that education has had on empowering women and reshaping societal norms. Despite these advancements, the journey remains fraught with challenges. Women continue to fight for rights that should be universally recognized as human rights rather than gender-specific privileges.
The notion that men and women are destined to perform distinct roles, despite their natural differences, has been a longstanding belief. Reflecting on my own childhood, I remember a desire for a remote control car with a Barbie doll piloting it through space. While such aspirations might seem ordinary today, they were far from conventional in the past. The courage to dream and pursue such interests often required a significant amount of encouragement and defiance against traditional expectations.
In the context of my upbringing, societal norms dictated that a girl’s place was in the home, attending to familial duties. However, my grandmother challenged these norms by establishing a successful business in apple orchards, and my mother made education a cornerstone of her life. My grandmother’s entrepreneurial spirit, moving from her garden to global recognition of her produce, exemplifies the breaking of stereotypes and the reshaping of gender roles.
Although progress has been made, the transition from traditional homemaking to active participation in the workforce has not been without its hurdles. I sometimes worry that my own journey might regress, ending in a return to conventional roles rather than achieving the life I envision. For many women today, the role of mother is secondary to their pursuit of personal and professional goals, a significant shift from historical norms that confined women primarily to childbearing and domestic duties.
Yet, the grace with which women manage both professional responsibilities and the significant role of motherhood reflects their enduring strength. Even now, the issue of pay disparity persists, with women often earning less than men for similar work—a disparity rooted in historical biases that fail to recognize women’s equal capabilities.
According to a Pew Research Center survey, 69% of both men and women acknowledge that women can be equally effective leaders, though 21% still cling to outdated beliefs of male superiority. The discourse on gender roles is also geographically nuanced. Some regions, known as ‘matrilocal societies,’ pass kinship through the maternal line, contrasting with the traditional practice where extended families are established through the groom’s lineage. These societies offer a fascinating glimpse into alternative models of gender roles and power structures.
In historical context, Swiss anthropologist Johann Jakob Bachofen’s 1861 work on matriarchy revealed that the shift from ‘hetaerism,’ where women initially lacked power, involved significant struggle. Women fought to reclaim control over their lives, properties, and political power, a battle that should never have been framed as a “female right” but as a fundamental human right.
Today, the complex interplay of tradition and modernity continues to shape the experience of gender. In some regions, childbirth is celebrated, while in others, it remains a source of fear and stigma. This disparity is starkly illustrated by a tragic incident in India, where a mother, overwhelmed by societal pressure and stigma, killed her newborn daughter—the fourth female child in her family. The mother’s heartbreaking admission of fear and helplessness in the face of societal expectations highlights the ongoing struggle for gender equality and the profound impact of cultural norms on individual lives.
In navigating these evolving gender dynamics, it becomes clear that the journey towards true equality is ongoing. Each step forward brings us closer to a world where individual potential is recognized and valued, free from the constraints of outdated gender roles.
In stark contrast to many places, a 10-hour flight away to Sweden reveals a government deeply committed to gender equality. Swedish policies allow parents to work from home until their child reaches 18 months old, providing reduced working hours and up to 80% pay during parental leave. Once the child is one year old, daycare assistance and other benefits are provided, reflecting a progressive approach to supporting families. These benefits are designed to foster equality for all parents, not just women, by encouraging men to participate equally in child-rearing.
Sweden’s policies may seem like a distant ideal, but they highlight the broader issue of gender equality that is still unfolding worldwide. Historically, traditional roles dictated that women should stay home to care for the child, while men worked outside. This setup not only reinforced gender roles based on biological differences but also placed an unfair burden on women to balance caregiving and work responsibilities alone. In Sweden, the push for shared parental duties challenges this outdated model and represents a move towards a more equitable approach.
However, in many parts of the world, including India, the journey toward gender equality is still marked by significant disparities. Urban women in India are making notable progress, but stark contrasts remain. For example, it is disheartening to hear stories of women from different social strata, such as one peer-aged woman asking her dormitory manager—who is struggling with domestic violence and raising three children—to clean her room. Such incidents reflect that despite progress, societal inequalities persist, and the path to true equality is fraught with setbacks.
The day when all women can live free from fear of abuse and both men and women can equally share responsibilities at home and work will signal real progress. My own experiences have reinforced the importance of challenging traditional roles. If ever I doubted my feminine strength in tackling a challenge, my sisters would remind me that certain tasks indeed benefit from a woman’s unique perspective. This reminder emphasizes that societal roles are not fixed but are shaped by collective decisions, and thus, we have the power to redefine them.
In my upbringing, I was fortunate to be raised in an environment that celebrated empowerment and self-expression. Unlike many who are taught to suppress their voices or remain silent in the face of discrimination, I was encouraged to challenge unjust norms. My father, despite his traditional village background and a family of brothers, broke stereotypes by supporting my ambitions. Rather than imposing limitations, he exemplified inclusivity and the belief that women could excel in various fields, whether as educators, entrepreneurs, or psychologists. His actions showed me that dreams should not be confined by imagination but pursued with vigor and ambition.
Through his work, my father involved us in initiatives like the ‘Empowering Young Female Entrepreneurs’ program, where prominent women entrepreneurs inspired me to believe in my potential. His approach was not solely about personal achievement but about breaking barriers and setting new precedents. He taught me that the principles and morals one brings to the table are more crucial than outdated notions of masculinity.
Despite changing times, there remains resistance to the evolving roles of men and women. For instance, some men expect women to juggle professional responsibilities with household duties, reflecting an unrealistic standard. The modern expectation for women to excel at both work and home often creates additional stress and is a construct of our own making. This pressure reflects a broader societal issue where true equality remains elusive.
Men, too, face their own challenges. Modern societal norms often celebrate ‘alpha masculinity,’ which pressures men to suppress their emotions and maintain a façade of strength. In India, legal issues compound these struggles, such as laws that restrict fathers’ rights until they can prove their partners unfit for custody. This outdated approach reinforces gender biases and fosters a fear psychosis among men, further complicating efforts toward equality.
The historical oppression of women has led to a revolutionary quest for equal rights, but this has sometimes evolved into ‘pseudo-feminism,’ where the pursuit of benefits does not always align with embracing responsibilities. For example, policies that mandate female CEOs can unintentionally undermine the contributions of male employees, highlighting the need for laws that reflect true equality rather than reacting to immediate issues.
Reflecting on my personal journey, my mother’s decision to enroll me in her dream school, despite my initial resentment, ultimately enriched my life and brought us closer to our aspirations. Attending a school that focused on empowering girls fills me with pride and gratitude. Through this experience, I’ve come to understand that true change involves addressing deeper barriers and moving beyond superficial adaptations.
While progress towards equality is evident, achieving genuine equity remains a work in progress. True advancement will come from tackling the fundamental issues that hinder equality, shifting our focus from gender-based definitions to recognizing and valuing our shared humanity. The goal is not merely to debate gender differences but to build a future where equity is the standard, and everyone is free to thrive regardless of gender.
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